Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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