Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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