How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He? As in you personified your dick?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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