I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
