I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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