Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
