I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
