He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
