There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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