Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
