I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
