If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
