saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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