You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Randomize
