Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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