remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
