Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What a dumb baby whore.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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