I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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