Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
