When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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