I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
