just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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