a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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