someone owes me an orgasm
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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