If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
