sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
