drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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