i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
