sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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