You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
