I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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