Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My balls are so social today.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
