I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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