So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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