And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
