I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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