Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
