u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Randomize
