you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
