hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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