If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
