I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
