Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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