I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
