oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Michael Bay diarrhea
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Can you bring me the toilet please
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
