I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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