BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
