Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
