got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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