Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
