It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
